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 | Talking to Teachers About Adoption
by Kathryn Kaatz |
How much information about individual families do teachers need to know? I have pondered this question both as an elementary school teacher and as a parent. Our right to privacy as individuals and families seems to hang in precarious balance with the needs of each child. For those of us with children who are racially different from the rest of the family, the issue of whether or not to share our child’s adoptive status is a non-issue. However, I believe that all our children will benefit from sharing adoptive status, whether or not it is obvious. In this article I will explain my reasoning and discuss ways to foster a supportive relationship with your children’s school.
As in all things human, there are no guarantees as to how an individual teacher will interpret and handle sensitive information. While a part of me wants to stand on a soapbox and proclaim the integrity of my profession and fellow educators, the wiser and more logical part of me says that I cannot really guarantee anyone’s behavior. It is with the above disclaimer that I will make some recommendations for establishing a positive relationship with your child’s teachers.
While two-parent families with biological children are no longer the expected norm in most schools, the amount of diversity at your child’s school combined with the personal experiences of your child’s teacher will determine their knowledge and attitude about families in general, and adoptive families in particular. While colleges of education have added course work on diversity issues, it has not been my experience in either undergraduate or graduate school to have the topic of adoption covered at all, let alone with any depth. Therefore, unless your child’s teacher has personal experience with adoption or adoptees, it is reasonable to assume that he or she knows no more than the average person on the street does. As adoptive families, we can bring a wealth of useful information to the school and teacher.
It is Better to be Proactive than Reactive
Establishing a positive, open relationship early with your child’s teachers goes a long way towards being heard and respected if and when problems arise. There are several ways to do this, the first and easiest is to attend beginning of the year open houses or events. If you are concerned about curriculum being sensitive to diversity and adoption, make an appointment to look through the materials the teacher will be using when teaching about families. By making an appointment and letting the teacher know ahead of time what you want to discuss, you are doing two things. First, you are establishing a relationship of mutual respect in which neither you or the teacher is expected to drop everything and discuss a sensitive issue unprepared. Secondly, you are allowing the teacher time to gather the materials, think through what he has done in the past and organize his thoughts. If you have this meeting early in the year, before lessons are presented, it will minimize the chance that either of you will become defensive. This initial meeting would be a good time to share a list of adoption-sensitive language and bring up any concerns you may have about particular assignments. For example, if your child was adopted as a toddler and has no baby pictures this would be a good time to mention that fact.
Teachers Need Time for Planning Curriculum
There are as many ways to plan curriculum as there are teachers. There are also varying levels of freedom to change or alter the curriculum in different schools. The amount of time each teacher needs to add or make changes will depend on their individual planning style, the significance of the change being asked (i.e., changing a family tree assignment vs. tossing out the entire unit on families), and school district or administrative policy. This is another reason why it is wise to be both proactive and patient. Some teachers are thrilled to have parents enter their classroom and teach a lesson or a unit, others would prefer to be given information and teach it themselves, and others want simply to know your concerns and be trusted to handle them effectively without much advice or input. I know teachers who can hear an idea in the morning and implement it that afternoon, while others plan weeks in advance. These are all excellent teachers. They simply have different styles of accomplishing a task.
Some of us could get ready for a vacation with a day’s notice, while others would want six months or more to make plans. It has to do more with what makes us comfortable than who is better at vacationing. In some cases teachers can take your concerns and make changes with relatively little outside input, other changes may require administrative approval, while others may need to go to school-wide or district curriculum committees. In general, the more extensive the change, the more people it will involve and the longer it will take.
Consider Your Child’s Personality and Age
Your child’s age and individual temperament will determine how actively involved in adoption education they will want you to be.
Research has shown that at about the age of seven, many children become more concerned with fitting in. It may be about this age that the child who loved it when you came to preschool to celebrate Lunar New Year will balk at the idea of your doing the same in first or second grade. It may be at about this age where you will need to speak in more general terms or provide the teacher with information while you remain on the sidelines. I believe it is important to respect each child’s needs, but also to be able to see the bigger picture.
If your child is being teased, put down or simply made uncomfortable by classmates’ discussion of adoption, families and race, teachers need and want to know. Many children are reluctant to tell parents about these issues and are adamant that parents not go to the teacher with concerns. These children are motivated by a desire to fit in, to not cause trouble for parents or teachers, and a fear that there will be reprisals if the teacher rises to their defense. As a teacher, I handle these fears by having a private talk with the student and offering her several options (a) I can discuss the issue openly with the whole class with her present, (b) I can discuss the issue openly with the whole class with her out of the room, (c) I can mediate a discussion between her and the other party, or (d) I can bring up issues as a general topic with no mention that this has been a problem in our classroom. There are endless varieties on these themes, but my goal is to empower the student to have control over how we deal with the issue while letting her know that her safety, both physical and emotional, are important to me.
Just as we can be ignorant of these problems as parents, teachers can also be unaware. Certainly by middle grades, and often earlier, students learn there are times and places to be rude, where they won’t be overheard. In addition, particularly as kids get older, they have a strong need to save face by not sharing their pain with teachers. It is for these reasons that I feel it is important to let teachers know our children are hurting.
As a parent I have found it helpful to bring up the discussion of racial or adoption slurs this way: “I was reading an article today (or talking to a friend or listening to the radio) and they were talking about kids teasing each other because they had “Chinese eyes”. That made me wonder if that had ever happened at your school?” I did this for a year, getting a somewhat blank “what are you talking about?” response, when one day my son hung his head and said, “A big kid on the playground told me I should go back where I was born, that I don’t belong here.” While it pains me each time I remember this, I will be forever grateful that it opened up several conversations about citizenship and the permanence of adoption. It also made me aware that, despite the generally excellent and accepting atmosphere of my children’s highly integrated school, I need to continue to be on my toes as a parent.
Like so many other aspects of parenting, knowing when and how to talk to your child’s teachers can feel like a balancing act on a tightrope. As a teacher, I can advocate for the importance of communication between parents and teachers, but as a parent I am still wary when first approaching my children’s teachers. I believe it is in our children’s best interests to move beyond wariness to a place of trust and education.
I have provided information for teachers on my school’s Web page at www.blakeschool.org. You may wish to share the Web site with your child’s teacher or download the appropriate information in order to give her a copy.
Kathryn Kaatz is on the faculty at the Blake School in Minneapolis. She recently completed a sabbatical leave during which she worked on adoption-related issues and a graduate degree in early childhood education. She is the mother of two children in a family formed through birth and adoption. She can be reached at kkaatz@blakeschool.org.
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